Afraid to love again

I’ve been single for a while and quite frankly, I’m getting TIRED of the single life. I want to give the whole relationship thing another try, but why can’t I? What’s holding me back? I’ve narrowed it down to one thing: I’m afraid of loving again and being hurt again. 

Some might find it unfathomable for a guy to say he’s afraid to love again because he doesn’t want to be hurt, but keep in mind that that we do have feelings no matter how hard we try to hide it because it’s ‘un-man-like’. I have no problems with letting my feelings be known instead of bottling them up until I can’t take it anymore.

 I’ve been in love twice and both times, I fell hard. On both occasions I expected too much and was left disappointed. At the end of everything, I realized I was lied to, used and taken for a fool. With that, I’ve built a wall around my heart that I have no of letting down. (Unless…)

 Feeling used is one of the most hurtful feelings. Imagine opening up to someone, telling them of your past and thinking that you could trust them. Imagine having someone who seemed so interested in knowing YOU, only to find out that they had ulterior motives. All the ‘I Love You’, simply lies told to paint a picture of something that was never there. Imagine finding out that EVERYTHING was a lie, all the pillow talks and the ‘hurt’ you were told, were all lies. Lies to suck you in and make you feel sorry for them. Everything was a lie; the premise of the ‘relationship’ was based on lies. Imagine coming to the conclusion that you were just being used for sex. 

 I’m scared to love again out of fear of being hurt again. That’s a road I don’t ever want to go down again. I was young and inexperienced to the reality of how people can really be, with that, I was taken advantage of. I’ve learned a lot and now I know the necessary precautions to take, but in the back of my mind I can’t help but think… I’m going to be hurt again. Should we all just accept that being hurt is a part of life, that it’s inevitable? Accept that it’s okay to be hurt, but show your strength. Show that you’re able to pick yourself up and move on and not let THAT experience hinder you from loving and being loved again. I think it’s time that I take my own advice. 

Letter To The Ex (Part 4)

I've been thinking a lot and I've been really watching the things you do and been paying close attention to how you treat me. I'm tired of making how I feel about you be known, hoping you'd change and treat me how I want to be treated but more and more it seems like a lost cause. I don't think I'm asking for much, all I wanted you to do was SHOW me how you feel about me instead of telling me. You say you love me, but you don't show it. If I don't instigate a meeting with you, I don't ever see you. I feel like I'm the one forcing the issue and holding on to something that isn't there while you on the other hand, I feel like you're simply leading me on. I could have moved on a long time ago, but I make two steps forward then you come and tell me the things I want to hear and me being so gullible, fall for it every time.
I wish things could go back to the old ways, I wish I could wake up to a “Good morningJ” from you; I wish you would miss me and say "hey, I want to see you ". I wish u would just want to hang out with me just to see my face or for old time sake. That's all I ever wanted from you... To feel loved, not to just hear it all the time.

I feel stupid that I make the effort to see you by showing up at places I know you'll be, by making up excuses to see u... (Sad huh?) And when I do see you and we have a nice time together, when we part ways, I don't hear from you again until I say hi again.

I love you, but honestly I'm tired of trying with you. I think I'm wasting my time with you... I feel like because you know I love you, you think you don't have to do too much with me. I'm TIRED! (8) If I can't have you the way I want you, I don't want you at all (8)...

I think it’s now time I moved on, I've tried enough and don't see the sense of trying anymore. I will always love you, but I have to love and RESPECT myself because clearly, you don't.  I wish you all the best and hope you're happy in everything that you do. Goodbye to THAT PART of our lives.... It’s gone.

Your Friend's Relationship

Your friend’s relationship is a very touchy situation that I think you should at all cost try not to get involved with, well, unless it’s a threesome! Then by all means, go ahead! ;-)

On a serious note, I’m very perturbed when someone UNINVITINGLY interferes with a relationship, becoming too opinionated on the happenings of your friend’s love life. It’s a case of you thinking that you know what’s right for your friend, you try to tell them what to do, how they should feel and you tell them how they should act on that feeling. You’re setting yourself up for a rude awakening and haven’t even noticed.

When you’re in a relationship, no one knows how you truly feel, but YOU, so do not allow anyone to tell you how you should feel or what you should be doing in YOUR relationship. Taking advice to help you make up your mind is fine, but your friend’s opinion should never be the single factor in making a decision. On the flipside, you the friend, should always be respectful of their relationship and partner and never overstep certain boundaries. Respect your friend’s relationship, partner, decisions and most importantly, their feelings. Giving your honest opinion is good, always ensure you’re thoughtful and respectful and know YOUR place.

THINGS TO AVOID:

1) Never, and I mean NEVER tell your friend to leave their partner!

2) When they’re having problems, and one party is angry with the other and says bad things, never add fuel to fire, because when they reconcile, your bad comments will be remembered.

3) Never disrespect the person your friend loves.

4) Do NOT disrespect someone because you can’t understand why they love someone.

Letter to the Ex (Part 3)

More and more I'm so glad you're my EX because I now see the real you and see why I actually ended things, and it’s obvious you have no plans of changing. You're slowly making me hate you and you know it, but you're brushing it off because I mistakenly opened up my heart to you and allowed you to know it like the back of your hand, so you know what to do find your way back. I hate myself for being so blinded by ‘love’.

I don't want to see your face anymore, I don't want to hear your voice, and I don't want to hear your name... I want to kick myself whenever I think of you. You sick me. You make me regret that day, that day when we first met. I wish time could be reversed to allow me to do things differently that day, things that would have hindered us from seeing each other’s face because I would be better off right now. Don’t talk to me again, leave me alone, and get out of my life, PLEASE! 

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Sad part is, I didn't mean any of that. Why can't I say all those things and mean them? Does my telling you all that make any sense? I’m just going to be mad at you, then you’re going to say the right things again, then things are going to be cool… then its déjà vu all over again. SMH.

Why can't I let go? What have you done to me? 

The Lies You Tell

Tell me like it is, I can handle the truth, I can take it. I might be shocked by the truth, but I’ll get over it after giving it some thought and taking into consideration that you were ‘grown’ enough to be up front with me and own up to your actions. I can respect that.

I’m a very forgiving person. I know that hey, things happen and persons deserve a second chance, so, don’t lie. Lying to me is one of the most hurtful things you could ever do to me and it is something I have a hard time of forgiving and forgetting (never mind forgetting, that’s something I will never do). You lying to me tells me that the bond we have, wasn’t as strong as I thought. It says that you don’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. It says that you don’t trust me.

I even go as far as looking at the situation and contemplate the magnitude of the lie and the circumstances that surrounds it. If it’s understandable that you had to lie, after hearing the reason for doing so, and it’s an acceptable one, I can forgive you there, but the petty lies that had no substantial rationale to be told, NO!

Breaking my trust is like breaking a glass… The pieces can be put back together but the cracks will forever be there. All I ask of you is to not lie to me. Be honest, be upfront. Tell the truth and let us deal with it and move on. Don’t let our friendship END because of ‘The lies you tell’.

No one notices

No one notices his hurt.

No one notices his pain.

No one notices his anger.

No one notices his disdain.

What they see is a smile.

A smile that tells a lie,

But no one takes the time to notice.

He disguises his feelings,

 To not become a burden,

He acts like everything is fine

So that they can have peace of mind,

But no one notices.

No one takes the time to care, to look deep inside.

To look into his eyes to see the truth behind the story they tell.

They look at the cover and what they see is what they know.

Not caring to read the pages which are filled with histories of affliction.

He yearns for someone to understand him.

He hopes someone will see the facade.

He begs for someone to care, but still,

No one notices.

Letter to the Ex (Part 2)

I don't think you know how EASY you make it for me to hate you but here I am trying my hardest not to. It’s the love I still have for you that make me feel the way I do, where I'm confused and hate you one second then love you the next. Honestly, more and more I don't think you deserve my love. Now I have to be hiding my love for you so as to not seem stupid and obsessed. I pretend that everything is okay, when deep inside I’m yearning for your love. Foolishly I sit here waiting for an OUNCE of care from you, to just SHOW me a sign that you still care. Why can’t I get you out my head? Why aren’t the thoughts of you fleeing my mind?

I fight the feelings, but it seems like a never ending battle, will I ever win? You do NOTHING and I’m still losing, or is it that I’m battling myself?

*SIGH*